Finally I’m devoting a little time to a real blog post.
If I could keep a steady schedule of painting that went along with a steady income I might die from the joy of it.
I’m worried. My dad is in a nursing home or hospital for two months now and I’m trying to see him more than just once a week. Normal life is seeing most family on holidays and special occasions. That’s the way life’s been. Except for our kids, who we see as often as possible. IS that normal? Well, I’m his kid… he’s struggling, two and a half hours away, and it might as well be a continent away sometimes. Everything is out of whack. No matter what ups and downs or life events, I love him and it’s been a really bad time for him. Daddy has gone blind.
I think about growing old, about life; at times I get a flash thought that maybe it’s even time to date again, go out, have fun… I’m 54 after all… I might even be considered a senior citizen God forbid. REALLY??? I used to crave fun and going, doing, meeting… But now I know I’ve put one of those opposite magnets on me… you know where one pole pushes the other away. I just need to work on art and give this a shot. In my adult life I have followed my heart, I have followed my hormones, I have wished on stars…. and here I am standing alone. I need to work, if I don’t give this a shot, don’t put my heart into it, don’t express myself and share and sell my art, I will have let a lifetime of this certainty that I could, this knowledge about my meaning, die unfulfilled. I have no regrets, and I’m not going to start now.
I wish my dad talked more. Every conversation, for so long, skims the surface. He’s stoic. He jokes. Sometimes he’s full of rage and despair and it comes out of nowhere… or somewhere he chooses to keep to himself.
I said earlier that I stand alone, but I’m never alone. I do have faith in God, and I know I always will. I have my kids, friends, associates…. I just seem to have troubles with the heart. The heart has too many requirements obviously. So the heart is better lending itself to those that need it and to what I need to give it to.
Hah, don’t be sorry you read my blog post… there will be better, funnier things. There will ALWAYS be art too. ❤