I woke up before dawn to find a blanket of snow outside. I hadn’t expected it, instead sleeping away my cares. It wasn’t much, just enough to freak out the Board of Ed and make driving in the early morning a little treacherous.
I lament that in 21 days it will be Valentines Day. I’m not lamenting my lame love life. No, I’m lamenting my inability to jump on the cutsy holiday card art to make some dough. My brain is rejecting almost every idea now because I jump in feet first and then fail. Well, maybe I don’t fail… but success isn’t immediate. I loaded Etsy up January 1 and check every day to see if something has sold, or someone has looked. I keep a couple of things on Ebay too. I realize that January isn’t exactly prime time for sales, but still. Happily I’m a ‘favorite’ for 11 souls so far. But no sales.
My cousin Jenny signed me up with an artist’s group on FB. I was pissed because she did it and didn’t ask me first. After stewing for a day or two I decided to go along. It’s for artists sharing their work. Then another friend suggested another group… then another. So I find that all day my phone is going off with FB announcements and is constantly popping up with messages. And you know, it makes me jealous, and insecure. Why? Because I imagine they’re having some great success that I’m not. I’m so immature I guess.
I’ve sold a lot of art over the years, and worrying about selling it just tears me up because I do it with love. I love it. Art makes me whole. It tears me up to try to rely on selling it. But I already have a full time job. If I don’t start getting some sales I will have to start working a second job. Then when will I paint? The recession has been so hard on my city. As a grateful person that has a job where there are so few to be found, I’m frustrated with having the same paycheck for going on five years. Had I been more prudent after my kids moved out in 2005, until 2008 when the recession hit, I’d be in a lot better shape. But, that’s another story. Sometimes learning the hard way is the only way I learn.
What’s worse: wanting something so much you’re ready to jump out of your skin every minute of the day, or the self doubt? The self doubt is a killer. Okay, back to work for me, and I’m leaving self doubt here, in the air….